Inside My Head
by Dracuncula
Summary: "Why wasn't I stronger than this? Why was I falling apart when Rachel hadn't even been gone for 24 hours? Why was it that I was becoming someone else, someone I never wanted to be again, when Rachel was not around to remind me of whom I wanted to be instead?" - missing scene from A Fistful Of Charms, written from Ivy's POV after Rachel leaves for Mackinaw.


**I wrote this story ages upon ages upon ages ago, it takes place in 'A Fistful Of Charms'. I have included the quote which spawned the idea to this. The whole thing is written from Ivy's POV. **

**None of the characters are mine, they belong to Kim Harrison.**

* * *

"_Ivy", I said, "I don't want to go, but I have to."_

"_Then go!" she exploded, her perfect face creasing in anger and her eyes flashing to black. "I never asked you to stay!"_

_Motions stiff, she spun with vamp quickness and yanked open the door to the church. It boomed shut behind her, and left me blinking. _

(From: A Fistful Of Charms by Kim Harrison)

* * *

**IVY**

I slammed the door shut behind me with unnecessary force and instantly felt sorry for it. I didn't want to be mad at Rachel, she had done nothing wrong, but it still hurt.

Without hesitating I went straight to my room, hoping to be able to shut everything and everyone else out. Kisten and Rachel were still standing outside, talking, and I really didn't want to hear any of it; sometimes it was just a pain to have enhanced senses.

I don't know how long I had been sitting on my bed, staring out the window at the heavily weathered tombstones that were part of our garden when I heard a knock on my door. It was Kisten, of course, his familiar scent growing stronger as he lingered in front of my room. I just stayed were I was, hoping he'd get the message and go away. But not Kisten. He knocked again, a little more forceful this time.

"Ivy." He said softly, hoping to coax me out of my room.

"What do you want Kist?" I sighed. I didn't want to fight with him, I really didn't, but it was hard to remain rational around him when he had everything that I wanted and I was left with nothing.

"Come out of there, will you, love?" he said putting on his fake accent. He knew I could never be mad at him for long and sure enough after giving it a few more seconds I got up and opened the door to my room.

He was leaning casually in the doorframe, smiling his boyish smile with sky blue eyes looking at me from under his blonde hair.

I made an angry face at him and just walked past him into the kitchen where I got the orange juice out of the fridge. When I turned around Kisten was already lounging in Rachel's chair, watching me with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Don't give me that look Kist." I said annoyed.

"What look?" he asked innocently.

"I know I overreacted, okay?" I said heatedly. "But I didn't ask her to stay. I didn't!"

Kist just looked at me with a solemn expression, not saying a thing. I cursed myself when I realised that my little outburst right there had just been what he had wanted to get out of me and as always I just couldn't not talk to Kisten. After all he really was the only one who truly _understood_.

My glass of orange juice in one hand I slumped into my chair opposite Kisten. He shifted and positioned his elbows on the table, leaning closer, his intent blue gaze on me.

"She will come back to you, you know." He said.

"I know that!" I spat at him, annoyance still obvious in my voice. I knew Rachel was going to be back in a few days. He knew that I knew. But he also knew that there was a part of me that always feared Rachel would not come back, every time she left the church.

It was the part of me that realised how scared she should be about living with someone as fucked-up as I was, the part that kept telling me that one day she would realise it too and make run for it. And I knew that if that happened, I was going to fall apart. I don't even remember how or when it had happened, but somewhere along the way Rachel had become the focal point in my life. Without her I was nothing.

I silently stared into my glass of orange juice for a while, trying to keep my mouth shut for fear of what kind of emotional revelation would come out if I didn't. Kisten didn't prompt me either, he knew better than that. After a moment of companionable silence, he got up from his chair and went over to the fridge to start rummaging in it.

"So, what's for lunch?" he asked, poking his head out from behind the fridge door.

"Who said you're invited to stay for lunch?" I said, still snippy.

"Come on Ivy. I'm not going to leave you to fend for yourself!" he said, smirking, while placing some lettuce, chicken breast and cocktail tomatoes on the kitchen counter. "And I promised Rachel to keep an eye on you." He added.

"I don't need a babysitter Kist!" I replied defiantly, whereas at the same time I was actually glad that I wasn't on my own in a church that already seemed dead and empty although Rachel had only been gone for an hour, tops.

"I'm not here to babysit you. I'm here to remind you." He simply said.

I looked at Kist, keeping my face expressionless. I needed Rachel. I needed her to remind me what I wanted, and more importantly, what I didn't want to become again. Inside I fervently hoped that over the next few days, Kisten would be enough to remind me of that.

"Fine. You can fix something for lunch." I said. I didn't need to voice my thoughts out loud. Kisten knew me better than anyone else and he knew what I felt without me having to explain. It was good to have him around.

* * *

After we finished lunch and Kisten had eaten half of the contents of our fridge, he shuffled over into the living room and I could hear him ransacking our CD rack shortly before the slow, relaxing sound of Jazz music started to drift through the church. Kisten emerged from the living room again, jiggling his car keys in his pocket.

"Got to go, Ivy … Piscary's is waiting." He said, a hint of concern in his voice as he eyed me sitting at the table.

"Okay." I said, keeping my voice indifferent.

"Ah, you want to come?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow at me.

"No. I'd rather stay at home." I said. Even though the prospect of spending the rest of the day and following night alone in the church was not the best, I certainly didn't want to spend my time at Piscary's being painfully reminded of everyone else able to have fun so carelessly.

"Fine. I'll call you when I get home from work." He said, turning to leave, but not before adding "And Ivy, if anything comes up, do give me a ring. Promise?"

I nodded, focusing on the computer screen in front of me, pretending to be working. I waited until I heard Kisten leave through the front door and for the sound of his Corvette thundering down the road. And then there was silence. I stared at my computer screen for a few minutes longer, then got up and walked into the living room.

I frowned when I saw that Kisten had left our entire CD collection in a mess, strewn across the living room carpet. I sighed and made a mental note to kick his ass for this the next time I saw him. Although I was almost sure he had done this on purpose, just to keep me busy for at least a while reorganising everything into alphabetical order.

I crouched down and picked up Rachel's ABBA Greatest Hits CD and couldn't help but shake my head at her at times very weird taste in music. I smiled when I remembered walking in on her dancing around the living room singing into the remote with 'Summer Night City' on full blast. I sighed. Those were going to be a very long few days without her.

I had just placed the CD back onto the rack when I heard a soft knock on the front door. For everyone else's but vampire's ears it would have been inaudible. I tensed; I wasn't expecting anyone to drop by and if it had been Kisten he would have just let himself in.

Cautiously I walked into the sanctuary towards the door when suddenly I caught a whiff of a very familiar scent. _What the hell …_ I opened the door to the church.

Skimmer was standing in front of me, smiling her brilliant barrister smile. She was holding a large pizza carton from Piscary's in her hands.

"Hey V. Pizza?" she said while squeezing past me through the door.

"Skimmer, what are you doing here?" I couldn't help but ask in a bewildered tone.

Skimmer, always the one to take initiative, was already on her way to the kitchen and I followed her.

" 'Hi Skimmer, nice to see you too!' " she said in a mocking tone and turned to wink at me. She set the pizza carton on the table and instantly went rummaging around for the pizza cutter.

"It's in the top right drawer." I said, completely ignoring her last remark.

She retrieved the circular blade and came over to the table where I was standing, opening up the carton and starting to cut the pizza.

"A bit of everything but without onions and peppers. That is still your favourite, right?" she said, the smile never leaving her features.

"Yeah." I murmured, still not quite sure what to make of it that Skimmer was standing in our kitchen.

"I heard Rachel's out of town for a few days and I thought you might like some company. I brought a DVD we could watch?" Skimmer said casually, as if it was only natural that she would come and keep me company while Rachel was away.

I knew that Skimmer never did anything without a scheme. I knew that she had been jealous of Rachel ever since she'd learned that we were living together, even though Skimmer was well aware of the fact that there was nothing going on between Rachel and I that could even remotely be referred to as being of a romantic nature. But Skimmer had always been the possessive type.

I knew this was wrong but at the same time it seemed so right. Skimmer was not the one I wanted, needed, craved to have with me. But she knew me; she knew my deepest, darkest fears. It was the comfort of not having to pretend to be someone I wasn't she could give me, if nothing else.

My shoulders slumped in defeat as I sat down at the table, waiting while Skimmer placed a large slice of pizza on each of the two plates she had gotten out of the cupboard.

"Which movie did you bring?" I asked and Skimmer turned her predatory smile towards me. We both knew then that I had surrendered to her.

* * *

I was sitting at the kitchen table, staring at my steaming coffee mug. It was far too early for me to be awake but I hadn't been sleeping very well anyway so instead of tossing and turning around in my bed I had left Skimmer, still sleeping, and went to have a cup of coffee instead.

The pizza and DVD yesterday had turned into wine and slow music, which had turned into something all too familiar and before I knew it I had found myself in bed with Skimmer. It was easy, almost a release to be with her, but part of me hated what I was doing. I was falling back into my old patterns and I knew it, but there was nothing I could do to stop it either. Not with Skimmer around and Rachel gone.

Desperation threatened to overcome me. Why wasn't I stronger than this? Why was I falling apart when Rachel hadn't even been gone for 24 hours? Why was it that I was becoming someone else, someone I never wanted to be again, when Rachel was not around to remind me of whom I wanted to be instead?

My mind was telling me that this was not what I believed in, not anymore. But my nature, my instincts, everything that Piscary had turned me into I just couldn't fight anymore. I laughed bitterly into the silence. This was why it was never going to end; because I was alone again.

* * *

It had been two days now since Rachel had been gone. Of course, she had to go and attempt to save crap for brains after they had found Jax. It was so Rachel and I was seething inside about her going and saving that idiot when he deserved death three times over for what he had done to her.

I roamed the living room, restless. It had been getting harder and I felt like somehow sanity was slowly starting to slip from me. Skimmer appeared in the door to the living room, watching me from where she stood.

"Ivy, stop fretting now would you?" she said in a demanding tone.

I knew it was making her angry that my emotions for what Rachel was doing were this strong, this out of control. Skimmer didn't like competitors.

"Just shut up Skimmer!" I snapped. Before I knew it Skimmer was standing right in front of me, her blue eyes boring into mine.

"Seriously Ivy, you have got to stop this. It's like the little witch has brainwashed you! For the love of blood, you are acting like an abandoned pet!"

There was no conscious thought as I darted forwards, pinning Skimmer forcefully to the living room wall. "I said shut the hell up!" I hissed at her. Her eyes were slowly turning into black pits, mimicking mine.

"Now, that's the Ivy I know!" she said, a smirk appearing on her face, making me all the more angry.

I started to tremble, my hands still holding Skimmer's wrists in a dead grip. The magnitude of emotions threatened to overcome me. I was angry, frustrated, hurt and atop of it all, I could smell Skimmer's arousal. I just couldn't hold on any longer, it was as if I was slowly letting my personality slip away to give way to the monster that was lurking inside of me.

Skimmer slowly turned her head to one side, baring her neck for me. I breathed her scent in deeply, eliciting desires of my own. I could hear her heart beating, her blood flowing, her jugular pulsating and all I wanted to do was to sink my teeth into her and drink from her, hoping that it would fill the void in me.

"Come on Ivy …" Skimmer coaxed and brought her thigh up between my legs.

My lips slowly brushed the skin of her neck and she shivered in anticipation, pressing herself against me. I knew that with every bite, every drop of her blood I was falling back into that deep hole that I had spent the past years trying to escape from. But it was hard, _so hard_, to resist.

The tip of my tongue slowly, teasingly tasted Skimmer's warm skin and she moaned my name. How could something so wrong feel so right? No, I corrected myself. It didn't feel right. It felt easy, familiar. But it wasn't right. It wasn't what I wanted.

I shuddered and it almost physically hurt, but slowly I was able to let go. I lessened my grip on Skimmer, forcing myself to step back from her. I stared at her, and I knew my face was betraying hurt and confusion and most of all, desperation. But at least now I knew what I had to do, what I should have done in the first place.

"I can't. I have to go." I said, my voice merely a whisper. I all but fled the living room, quite aware of Skimmer following me.

"Go? Where? Ivy, what the hell is wrong with you?" she asked impatiently.

"I am going to Mackinaw." I said and shut the door to my room behind me.

It was the only thing I could do. Because in a way, Rachel controlled me just the way Piscary did. Just like I couldn't shut him out of my mind, I couldn't shut Rachel out either. It was her, always her, who was inside my head.


End file.
